When sin entered into the world it twisted man’s humble, Loving Leadership into hostile domination in some men and lazy indifference in others. And it twisted women’s intelligent, Willing Submission into quiet submission in some women and brazen insubordination in others. However, Christ restores the “Loving Leadership” of the husband lost in the Fall and also restores the “Willing Submission” of the wife lost in the Fall. But what does “Loving Leadership” look like in the marriage relationship, and what does “Willing Submission” look like in the marriage relationship.
- “The call in Ephesians 5:25 for husbands to “love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her,” revolutionizes the way he leads. In Luke 22;26 where Jesus says, “Let the leader become as one who serves.” In other words, husbands, don’t stop leading, but turn all your leading into serving. The responsibility of leadership is given not to puff yourself up, but to build your family up.
- Submission does not mean putting the husband in the place of Christ. Ephesians 5:21 says you submit out of reverence for Christ. Submission does not mean that the husband’s word is absolute. Only Christ’s word is absolute. No wife should follow a husband into sin. You can’t do that in reverence to Christ. Submission does not mean surrendering thought. It does not mean no input on decisions or no influence on her husband. It does not come from ignorance or incompetence. It comes from what is fitting and appropriate (Col. 3:18) in God’s created order.
Submission is an inclination of the will to say yes to the husband’s leadership and disposition of the spirit to support his initiatives. The reason I say it’s a disposition and an inclination, is because there will be times when the most submissive wife will hesitate at a husband’s decision. It may look unwise to her. Suppose it’s Noel and I. I am about to decide something foolish for the family. At that moment Noel could express her submission like something like this: ‘Johnny, I know you’ve thought a lot about this, and I love it when you take the initiative to plan for us and take the responsibility like this, but I really don’t have peace about this decision and I think we need to talk about it some more. Could we? Maybe tonight sometime?’
The reason that is a kind of Biblical submission is because
- Husbands, unlike Christ, are fallible and ought to admit it.
- Husbands ought to want their wives to be excited about the family decisions, because Christ wants us to be excited about following His decisions and not just follow begrudgingly.
- The way Noel expressed her misgivings communicated clearly that she endorses my leadership and affirms me in my role as head.
When a man senses a primary God-given responsibility for the spiritual life of the family, gathering the family for devotions, taking them to church, calling for prayer at meals – when he senses a primary God-given responsibility for the discipline and education of the children, the stewardship of money, the provision of food, the safety of the home, the healing of discord, that special sense of responsibility is not authoritarian or autocratic or domineering or bossy or oppressive or abusive. It is simply servant-leadership. And I have never met a wife who is sorry she is married to a man like that. Because when God designs a thing ( like marriage) He designs it for His glory and our good.”[1]
[1] John Piper, Copyright 1989, 1998, www.soundsof grace.come/peiper89/6-11-89.