God gives only two commands to us husbands concerning our wives: “Love your wife as Christ loved the church” (Ephes. 5:25). Be a life long student of the needs of you wife so you will know specifically how to love her (1 Peter 3:7). It is very easy to say, “I love my wife,” but it is quite another thing to demonstrate that love in a life style which is totally self giving, remarkably sacrificial, and readily willing to suffer if need be. Thus it behooves us guys to understand the essential ingredients of the Love God commands that we demonstrate toward our wives.
First, we need to realize that true love is a verb, not a noun, something we do, specifically not generally. In 1 Cor. 13:4-7, the Apostle Paul dissects the real meaning of married love in verbal form:
“Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even demand its own way. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him and always stand your ground in defending him.”
As I have reflected on these words and profited from the insights of Spirit-controlled minds, especially Christian psychologist, Gary Chapman, I have concluded that there are seven characteristics of a loving husband:
- KINDNESS – Generically, Developing The Joy of Helping My Wife – Specifically, the joy of meeting my wife’s needs before my own for the sake of our relationship; Application: show it in your attitude, your actions, and your words. What a lie, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never harm me.” Never underestimate the power of kind words to change some ones life, especially your spouse. Habits to acquire: Catch yourself when you are thinking negatively about your wife. Replace those words in your mind with something kind and positive. Personal: The first great challenge I confronted in marriage was to learn how to speak kindly to Doris. Kindness can be learned and developed, my brothers.
- PATIENCE – Generically, Accepting The Imperfections of Others – Specifically, in western culture we are not trained to be patient. The message is clear: Get it done and done quickly, and often “yesterday.” Habits to acquire: Choose to listen to your wife, allow her to be imperfect. When she is impatient toward you, consider it an opportunity to be particularly patient toward her. Personal: I move like lightning; Doris moved like the moon. Jokingly I would say to her, “Honey, please put these words on my tombstone, “He spent his life waiting on his wife.” In the end I discovered that God gave me to Doris to speed her up a little and He gave Doris to me to make me patient.
- FORGIVENESS – Generically, Finding Freedom From The Habit of Anger – Specifically, recognize that you and your wife are different, and you should “negotiate” these differences. When asked why he had such a wonderful marriage, Billy Graham replied, “Ruth and I learned to enjoy our incompatibilities.” Personal: Doris and I lived together for 58 years. Those 58 years were not perfect, but we still loved each other, still enjoyed being together and still had to negotiate with each other – every day. Marriage is not primarily between two lovers but two forgivers or “negotiators.”
- COURTESY -Generically, Treating Each Other As Friends – Specifically, think of your wife as God’s greatest gift, next to Jesus, and also your Best Friend. If you believe this, courtesy will be inevitable. Courtesy is best shown in the way we listen and the way we speak and simple acts of thoughtfulness, such as opening the door for your wife. A recent survey reveals that lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem. Social Scientist Deborah Tannen says we are living in an “argument culture.” We argue about everything as if it were a fight, she continues, and our spirits are corroded by living in an atmosphere of relenting contention.[1] Such is the deplorable state of many marriages, and our goal is not to listen and understand, but to use every tactic we can think of, including distorting what our spouse just said, in order to win an argument. Men, is that the condition in your home; if so repent and sin no more. Funny: A 75 years old man went to his doctor for a check-up and the doctor found him in great shape and asked the guy the secret to his good health. He replied, “Well, when my wife and I married, she agreed to leave the room if we ever got into an argument; I agreed I would go outside and for the last 60 years I have spent most of my time walking in the fresh air.”
- HUMILITY – Generically, Stepping Down So Your Wife Can Step Up – Specifically– Humility is a strange thing. If you think you have it is just the moment you have lost it. Funny: In a certain little town, the citizens awarded a man a medal for being the humblest person in the city, but they soon withdraw the honor because he wore the medal. Humility is the peacefulness of heart that allows you to stand aside in order to affirm the value of your wife. Take the opportunity to put her first, even if it means making a sacrifice. Love is never haughty, selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Joke: One guy said after 6 months of marriage, “Honey I did not understand the words in our wedding ceremony, “for better or worse when we got married, but I now I do- you could not have done better and I could not have done worse.” Husbands, don’t laugh too quickly. This could be your attitude. The great writer Chesterton was asked by the London Times, “What is the problem with the universe?” He answered, “I am. Sincerely, GK Chesterton.” Personal: When BB learned this lesson, which I had to learn, our marriage which had been momentarily stormy, became a little piece of heaven on earth.
- GENEROSITY- Generically, Giving Yourself To Your Wife – Specifically, giving your attitude, time, abilities, money and compassion to your wife. Money is the easiest thing to give. The hardest and most important thing is the giving of self. “Love in a word is the gift of self.” (John Paul II). We must, therefore, learn how to balance the time we give to our wives and to our ministries, for we are commanded to give time to both. Personal: I had to learn this lesson as a husband and a full-time pastor of thousands of people by following the “both and” rather than “either or” approach. Such a balance is a miracle which the Lord bestows upon the obedient and Spirit-filled husband. But it does require sacrifice and the willingness to work. If you are lazy, admit it as serious sin, especially in a marriage and ministry, repent and surrender to the Holy Spirit today.
- HONESTY – Generically, Revealing Really Who You Are. – Specifically, the poet Emily Dickinson wrote, “Truth is such a rare thing; it is delightful to tell it.” These words were written three generations ago, and they were true then but infinitely more in our age of subtle deception as we move toward that Day When ONE DECIEVER, ONE MONSTROUS LIAR, the Anti-Christ, will rule the whole world (Rev. 13). But there is no place where honesty is more needed and often lacking than in relations between husbands and wives. In the “Original Match” (Holy Matrimony) God Himself said, “And the man and wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Gen. 2:25). This is a command to be totally transparent with our wives. To do this is very difficult for most husbands, so they find great difficulty in even praying with their wives, and sharing very heavy burdens at times, thinking it is a sign of weakness. But the need to clarify details and feelings with a spouse is not a sign of defeat but of great strength. The most loving couples I know don’t assume the other spouse can read their minds. Of course, loving honesty is tactful and careful to speak the truth at the right time. Personal: There were times that I felt it unwise to share with Doris some facts that would have upset her immensely at the time. She extended the same courtesy to me, but as a rule I gave a report on my activities everyday and always when away I would call to report on all I had been doing and she reciprocated.
[1] Gary Chapman, Love As A Way of Life, p. 95