Someone observed that getting married is like buying a record. To get what you want you have to take what is on the other side. Translated into marital language, this means that the most ideal mate has some real faults. Because there are no perfect husbands or perfect wives, conflicts are inevitable in marriage. A happy marriage is not one that has no conflicts, but one that can resolve those conflicts and move beyond in building the relationship. Psychologists tell us that “no two people love each other continuously; they may even hate each other occasionally.”
- The first wrong way is MIGHT.
- The second wrong way is FLIGHT.
- The third wrong way is QUIET.
- The fourth wrong way is GRIPE.
- The fifth wrong way is FIGHT.
I . TWELVE RIGHT WAYS TO “FIGHT” IN YOUR MARRIAGE:
- Attack the problem – Never the person. Try to understand the other person. Ask the question, “What’s eating him?”
Is he tired or hungry, ill, living under tension, over weight, his “outgo exceeds his income,” etc. - Try to understand yourself. As we understand ourselves, we can go a long way toward helping others to understand
us too. - Talk it out. The average couple talks 37 minutes a week out of a total of over 10,000 minutes. Illustration:
Plan A Weekly Tryst With Your Mate.
- Learn to forgive and forget. One husband said to the psychologist, “When we start arguing, my wife gets historical.” Doctor, “You mean hysterical, don’t you?” “No, I mean historical – she brings up everything that Ihave ever done wrong in my life.” A good memory is to be cultivated, but sometimes a good “forgettery” is an even greater asset. Genesis 41:51 says, “God made Joseph to forget the ungodly deeds of his brothers.” God will enable you to do the same.
- If things are really bad. Schedule a “Fuss Day.” One couple found they were harassed daily by minor conflicts. They finally agreed to designate one day a week as “fuss day.” Whenever a conflict arose, they agreed to postpone fighting until “fuss day,” which was Thursday. Time gave them more perspective, and many trivial matters postponed were forgotten.
- Be patient. God is not through with you and your mate.
- Don’t drop the bomb.
- Seek Godly Counsel.
- “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26). Before you close your eyes in sleep, cleanse your
heart of all hostility toward your mate. Confess and express your love toward one another, even as God has expressed His love toward you. (Ephesians 4:32). - Inject some humor in your situation.
- Always use the channel of prayer to give the Spirit of God a chance to do his healing.
- Throw away your parachute.
CONCLUSION: WHERE DO WE GET THE POWER TO FIGHT RIGHT?
Dr. Menninger is his book LOVE AGAINST HATE asserts, “Love is more powerful than hate. It cancels out hate as water puts out fire.” Therefore, an enduring marital relationship is achieved as a husband and wife experience genuine love. “This is why marriage needs the saving power of the Christian gospel. For, unless transformed by the Spirit of God, each person loves himself more than the other person. Natural human love, even in marriage, can never get away completely from this self-centeredness. Human love,
like a rubber band, may at times be stretched to include another person, but always it snaps back to its original position because of this basic self-love. We must look to the cross and to the redeeming power of Jesus Christ to transform our love as well as our lives, and give to us the power to overcome our self-love and to experience and express unselfish love, acceptance, and forgiveness. If Christian redemption means anything, it means that two people in the structure of the marital relationship may come through the personal experience of prayer, confession, forgiveness, and divine love into a mutual experience of reconciliation, reunion, and a new life together, no matter how marred that relationship may be by conflict and selfishness. (Wayne Dehoney, HOMEMADE HAPPINESS, p. 103).
ILLUSTRATION: Dolly and James Madison were totally different. Dolly was fat, talkative, and gaudy in her dress. James was slender, an introvert, dressed like an undertaker at his own funeral. But in their marriage, they never tried to change the other. James let Dolly be her natural self and always loved her for it. And Dolly said many times, “My husband, may he ever be right, but my husband right or wrong.” With this attitude not only did she make a success of marriage but also a grand success of her husband, James Madison, the fourth President of the United States.