“Many years ago a single girl wrote Ann Landers asking her to describe the nature of love, and signed her letter “in a fog.” Ann Landers replied:
Dear “In a Fog:”
If you’re waiting for your eyes to light up like a pinball machine, don’t. It won’t happen.
Real love doesn’t konk you on the head like a chunk of loose plaster. Love must take root and grow, one day at a time.
Love is association and friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, solid confidence, sharing, and giving and forgiving. It is loyalty, through good times and bad. It survives dark moods and makes allowances for human frailties. It settles for less than perfection.
There is no thermometer, slide rule, or any kind of set formula that singles may use on themselves to decide absolutely that they are in love. A practical answer to the question must be idealistic.
Certain motives, attitudes, feelings, conditions, and circumstances should be present if a person in courtship possesses the love necessary for a good marriage. If you are in love with a person, many of the following 14 conditions should prevail.
- You will be concerned about your physical appearance (dress and grooming) and your personal conduct in your relationship with the one you love.
- You will have faith and trust in that person. In true courtship love, a two-way fidelity and trust will be present.
- You will have no desire to date other people. Those whom you once thought you loved will recede into the background and become insignificant.
- You will want to see, to meet and to know this person’s parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, and friends. You will be anxious to please them. You will be concerned about the well-being of those near and dear to the one you love.
- You will delight in the personal accomplishments of the person you love. You will not be jealous or envious of that person’s achievements. Of course, if a third party approaches your sweetheart with courtship in mind, you will be jealous! Love is like that! This is a natural, normal jealousy! But you will not be jealous of your lover’s characteristics and potentialities. You will delight and rejoice in the accomplishments of the person you love, even though some of these may be superior to your own.
- You will have respect for the one you love. You will respect that person’s beliefs, values, moral standards, rights and needs. You will respect him/her as a person, a total person. You will be able to work out differences of opinion without quarreling.
- You will have a feeling of inner security as a result of your love for this person. You will feel self-confident, relaxed and happy even in the face of personal, social, or financial problems.
- You will be relaxed and at ease when you are with that person. You will not feel compelled to pose as someone other than your own natural self.
- You will be lonely when circumstances force you to be separated. It will be difficult for you to keep from thinking and dreaming about your sweetheart. You will long for the day and hour when you can be together again.
- You will sacrifice for the person you love in many different ways. You will enjoy bringing gifts to that person. Love is an outgoing something. It is possible for a person to give without loving, but it is impossible to love without giving! “God so loved the world that He gave…” This is the nature of love!
- You will hurt when your sweetheart is hurt or criticized. You will rush to his or her defense. This is not a case of “my sweetheart, right or wrong.” Love must be guided by Christian values and by rational and intelligent thinking and decisions. But it is the nature of love to automatically respond to the problems and needs of the one loved with empathy and protection.
- You can honestly say that your interest in this person is not simply in the physical or sexual realm, but rather, your interest is in every aspect of the total person as a complete personality. To be sure, to be in love with a person includes physical attraction and sexual interest in marriage. Such an attraction is a major aspect of love. But if physical attraction is the only interest between a couple, it in itself is not love! It is lust! And certainly the sexual interest must never be the first interest. Sex is a part of true love, but it is the servant of all other personal and personality relationships.
- You will be proud of this person as the potential father or mother of your children in marriage. You will be happy for your children to have the character, qualities, and attitudes or your sweetheart.
- Other people will know that you are in love. It is nearly impossible for a person in love to keep it a secret. You will bubble over with happiness. Your relatives and friends will suspect it. They will know it. They will tell you so.[1]
HOW CAN I KNOW I’M NOT IN LOVE?
- Love at First Sight – Marrying a woman for her looks is like buying a house for its paint.
- Infatuation is Synonymous with Love – Infatuation happens quickly, is noisy, shallow, fleeting, while real love is quiet, peaceful, and steady.
- Sexual Attraction or Eros Love Which Is Selfish Love Seeking Fulfillment from Another Person, with no thought of meeting that person’s real needs. Bogus “Hollywood” Love.
[1] Creative Planning Toward a Good Marriage, pp. 128-130/