First be brutally frank: Ask yourself this question: “What is it like living everyday with a person like myself?”
Almost every thing you and your spouse do affect each other. So it’s very important to know what that effect will be before you actually do it.
One famous writer on marriage relationships recommends what he calls, “The Policy of Joint Agreement: NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THE ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT OF YOUR SPOUSE.” (Willard F. Harley, Jr, Love Busters, p. 310)
- Make a list of habits you know trouble or hurt your spouse.
- Ask your spouse what those habits are. Example:
- “Slouching in the living room chair.
- Tone of voice when disciplining the children.
- Overusing certain phrases, such as, “you don’t say.”
- Leaving toothpaste, toothbrush, shaver, and towel on the bathroom sink.
- Leaving clothes on the bedroom floor after getting ready for bed.
- Stuffing chips into mouth before swallowing the ones already there.
- Chewing ice and spitting it back into the glass.
- Licking the knife at the dinner table.” [1]
- Eliminate the easiest ones first. This will give you confidence that you cannot overcome all of them.
- You can eventually eliminate all annoyances, but to be successful you need to focus on one at a time.
- Select the three most annoying habits to overcome. (Example: leaving clothes on the bedroom floor after getting ready for bed.)
- Try to determine why the annoying habits exists:
- When did the habit begin?
- Why did you begin it?
- Why do you have this habit now?
- When you engage in this habit, how does your spouse feel?
- Have you ever tried to overcome this habit?
- Why didn’t it work?
- Ask your spouse to help you.
- Think: Can you think of some things you’ve done in the past that were annoying to your spouse that no longer exist? How did you go about ridding yourself of these “little foxes?”
- Ask your spouse what those habits are. Example:
Final Word: Annoyances are simply an expression of our SELF-CENTEREDNESS or desire to find our happiness or comfort in doing our “thing” without considering how it affects our spouse. What is the cure for this inherent propensity in all human kind? The powerful LOVE OF GOD IN CHRIST (Agape) because “Agape suffers long and is kind, does not brag, is not stuck up, SEEKETH NOT HER OWN (annoyances) (1 Cor. 13:4-7). How do we experience this love? It is spiritually “born in us” when we surrender our lives to Jesus. “Everyone who loves is born of God and knoweth God; he who loves not knows not God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8). However, it is not sufficient for us just to be born of the Holy Spirit if we would be controlled by Agape love. We must surrender totally to the Holy Spirit until the “love of God is being poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which is given unto us.” (Romans 5:5). And to be “filled” with the Holy Spirit is not some mystical, esoteric, emotional experience, but it is to “internalize the Word of God” by “knowing it in your head by diligent study, by stowing it in your heart by memorizing and meditation, by showing it in your life by obeying its teachings, and sowing it in your world by your witness.” Compare Ephesians 5:18 and Colossians 3:16 and you will see to be filled with the Holy Spirit is to be filled by the Word of God until you live a new life to please Jesus Christ and edify others, especially your wife, and when you do you have said “Good Bye” to the annoyances which hurt your spouse. And in the event you revert back to them, the Holy Spirit will convict you, call you to repentance, to ask forgiveness of your spouse, and your marriage rather than unraveling will grow stronger and stronger and your happiness will grow greater and greater. Deo Soli Gloria.
[1] Willard F. Harley, Jr. Love Busters ,Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Publishing Group, 2009, p 147.