The glue which holds a marriage together is the glue of Agape love. But how does AGAPE love work? AGAPE love “seeketh not his or her own” (1 Cor. 13:5). Rather it seeks to FIND out the other one’s NEEDS and then meet those needs. Couples start out irresistible to one another but often become incompatible. Why? Because they leave each other’s need unmet. Then when someone outside the marriage offers to meet those needs, an affair starts.
Her Needs – “Any husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs:
- Affection: Her husband tells her that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her.
- Conversation: He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never judgmental, always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and responds with interest. He is never too busy “to just talk.”
- Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
- Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty – forty-five- hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
- Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so that they will do a good job training the children. He and she discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval. He recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.”[1]
Any wife can make herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important needs:
- “Sexual Fulfillment. His wife meets his need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
- Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he enjoys most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can enjoy together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.
- Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.
- Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.
- Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she chose to marry.”[2]
[1] Willard F. Harley, Jr. His Needs Her Needs, Building An Affair-Proof marriage, Grand Rapids Michigan : Fleming H Revell, 1994, pp. 182-183.
[2] Ibid. pp. 183-184.