When Oprah Winfrey asked Billy Graham the secret of his wonderful marriage for 54 years, he replied, “Ruth and I are happily incompatible.” That was a wise and profound answer based upon the biblical view of marriage. Before God gave a wife to Adam, He said to him that He would give him a Ezer Kenegdo, that is, one who would complete him, not one exactly like him (Gen. 2:18).
I believe the primary cause of most divorces in our society is due to the sin of sexual lust. However, today the primary reason for divorce granted in our Country is “irreconcilable differences,” and “irreconcilable differences” are anything from refusing to “walk the poodle” to “spending money like a drunken sailor”. When marriages are dissolved on such flimsy and self-centered grounds, it is not strange that 50% of all marriages, both of Christians and non-Christians are terminated within two or three years of marriage.
Everybody goes through difficult periods in marriage, and at times everybody feels like throwing in the “proverbial” towel. During such periods many men and women wonder if they married the wrong person and many rationalize that they did and call it quits in order to marry the “right” person – only to find out they have for the 2nd time married the wrong person, even now worse than the first time – and the third time, three times worse than the first two. Elizabeth Taylor died on Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011, but not until she had married her 9th husband, to whom she promised, “Honey, don’t worry about anything – I want keep you long.”
Question: Should a person divorce because he is experiencing difficulties and feels he has married the wrong woman. Absolutely not for the following reasons:
- Jesus emphatically commanded that a man and woman should become one flesh, and “What God has joined together let not man put asunder (separate)” (Matthew 19:6). Even under the old covenant, when Jewish men were divorcing their wives to marry younger and more beautiful foreign women, God said, “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16). (Not the divorcee) because divorce destroys the home and makes impossible “godly seed” or off springs (Matthew 2:15) when godly homes should be developing a “Family Christian Dynasty.” Ex: Jonathan Edwards
- Successful couples have the same number of disagreements as couples who divorce, and all couples disagree about all the same basic issues: money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws, and time. The differences between successful and unsuccessful couples are how they handle their differences. Praise the Lord 50% of couples find a way not to divorce even if it requires suffering, patience, and the swallowing of their pride.
- Studies by the Institute of American Values prove that when most persons divorce to find someone better for them they end up discovering that their second choice was worse than the first, the third worse than the first and second and the divorce rates of 2nd, etc. marriages far exceed that of the first marriages, etc.[1] Illus: I read that one guy said to his wife six months after their marriage, “I did not at first understand the part of our marriage vows which said “for better or worse,” but now I do. Those words meant that you couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse so I am free to divorce you and do better the second time.”
Illus: I have a friend who has just terminated his third marriage. After divorcing his second wife, he met a lady who had also been divorced and said to me, “I have finally found the finest lady on earth and plan to marry her.” I urged him to wait at least a year, but he married shortly thereafter and they had a child real soon. Shortly after the child was born, they began to have serious problems and he confided to me that things had not worked out as he anticipated. I lost sight of him for perhaps two years until two weeks ago I encountered him in a public place, I was delighted to see him again, and accosted him with the words, “How’s the wife and child?” He said, “Dr. Bennett, I am divorced. Nobody could live with the woman I married. She was impossible.” Alas the millions who find themselves in that boat this very moment. Don’t let it be you.
- The first choice, especially for Christians, is generally the right choice. The wisest man I ever knew gave me this counsel as a young pastor, “Never dig up in unbelief what you sow in belief, and never resign the place where God clearly called you unless the call to another place is as clear as “tar in the snow.” I followed this principle and stayed the course and saw the blessings of God in a certain pastorate in Houston, Texas. Three weeks after becoming pastor of a 3000 member congregation the “feeling” came upon me as I was jogging one morning that I had made a mistake in taking the church which at that time was suffering from “charismatic confusion.” In that moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me of what Dr. Lee had told me or I would have “divorced” my church and sacrificed God’s ministry and stayed the course and had a good ministry. The same principle applies to marriage: Stick with your first choice if at all possible.
- Choosing a wife for a Christian man must be seen as different from any other choice in life, for it is made with a vow under God and to our mate to remain faithful unto death. The wisest man in history, because taught by God at his request, had strong words for anyone who has made vows before God and man: “It is better not to make a vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, “My vow was a mistake…” (Eccles. 5:5-6).
Hear the word of a faithful wife to her husband: “I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you (primarily) because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for my faults. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise which made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t the house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.” [2] The power of a promise under God to protect has never been equaled. It can save a marriage when all else fails.” When I married Doris, we had some painful adjustments to make, but never once did I think of divorce. I had made my vow unto death and never once even thought of breaking it – neither did she.
- Divorce is Death Without a Funeral. I made this statement in MMM class two weeks ago, and a good and faithful divorced brother arose from his seat and said, “Divorce is much worse than death. It is something you never get over. Your previous mate is still involved with you. You have indescribable problems with your children, your finances, etc. All of life is a mess and you see no way out.” Do I need to say more? And don’t forget: Divorce is not only death for you, but for your children in many cases and destroys the possibility of a “Christian Family Dynasty.” (Mal. 2:15)
- Concluding Word: I have had a heavy heart as I have forced myself to address a plague in our society that has reached epidemic proportions, but I do so believing the Holy Spirit led me and that I have the mind of Christ in what I have shared. My final, heart-felt plea to every born again believer who reads this lesson: No Christian should aggressively seek the dissolution of his or her marriage bond and should be willing to forgive the mate even adultery. Some of the most valuable and best things God has to teach His children are learned while working through marital difficulties. Endless stories could be told of how God honored the perseverance of the abused partners when they refused to give up. I believe one of the primary purposes of marriage is for us to learn how to live the Christian life. It was for me and God is no respecter of persons.
I, therefore, your mentor, entrusted with your highest welfare, implore you not to divorce if you can possibly avoid it. Choose life – not death.
Does a Christian have biblical grounds to divorce and remarry? Two grounds attested in the Scriptures:
- When one’s mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent, and live faithfully with the marriage partner (Matt. 5:28; 19:9).
- When one of the mates is an unbeliever and willfully and permanently deserts the believing partner. “…If the unbelieving one (a non-Christian), leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister (a Christian) is not under bondage in such cases, for God has called us to peace.
Chuck Swindoll believes that “When the marriage and divorce occurred prior to salvation” one has grounds for divorce and remarriage.[3]
[1] Steve Arterburn, The Secrets Men Keep, pp. 199-200.
[2] Steve Arterburn, The Secrets Men Keep, p. 200.
[3] Chuck Swindoll, Man to Man, p. 210