A couple may have everything going for them:
(a) They may be solid Christians
(b) Both may be from good families
(c) Both may have good educations
(d) The couple may even have much in common.
But if they cannot talk in a way to communicate with one another, their marriage is headed for disaster and probably destruction.
Let us therefore seek to address the problem of communication by looking at several realities:
- Factors Hindering Communication:
- Busyness- We live in a busy world that never slows down. Modern life has been described as consisting of “worry, bury, hurry.” So a couple can quickly find themselves out of time and energy for communication. But communication cannot occur in a marriage unless the partners take time away from all their busyness to be with each other.
- Babies – Children bring great blessings to marriage but also great responsibilities. No more demanding creature on this planet than a baby. Just ask any new parent.
- as babies, they need constant care.
- As toddlers and preschoolers, they need to be told how to read, to talk and interact socially.
- When they become adolescents, they need much time from their parents for all kinds of advice.
- Television– Americans are spending about 40% of their time watching TV. By the time the average American dies, he will spend a decade in front of the TV. The fact is that TV has become a destructive addition in most homes.
- Cell phones – If the average American is not watching TV, he is using his cell phones.
- Marital conflict – if a husband and wife have conflicts in their marriage, they find it difficult, even fearful, to communicate.
- Difference in temperament – Sociologist tells us that men speak about 25,000 words in a day, and most of them are spoken on their job. Women have 50,000 words to speak each day and want to speak most of them when their husbands come home from work. But the husband has already used up his words and wants to sleep or give his wife the “silent treatment.”
- Money matters
Faulty Ways of Communication. The level of communication between couples is generally very shallow. Let’s look at a few of them:
- Exchanging meaningless “clichés.” Ex: “How was your day?”
- Reporting facts: “It’s time to change the oil in the car.” “I have to see the dentist at 10 AM” “We eat dinner tonight with the Faircloths.” Such exchanges are necessary, but communication must go deeper than this to hold the relationship together.
- Expressing opinions – “I think that, I believe that, it appears to me that… This is higher communication than just stating facts or using clichés. But this is not gut to gut sharing.
- Sharing feelings – This is a much higher level of communication than we have yet discussed. It is necessary for good communication. Men have great difficulty in expressing their feelings. It can be dangerous to a relationship because sharing our feelings makes us vulnerable.
- Communicating our deepest needs. This is probably the highest level of communication. All marriage counselors are agreed that the couple needs to express their gut level needs. One wise pastor wrote these words, “In marriage, both husband and wife must learn to tactfully but directly communicate their needs. This is where the all-important “give and take” must occur. Both the husband and wife must learn to communicate their need for affection, for quiet time, for “solitary” time, for conversation, for encouragement, and for all the other needs God intends to provide through marriage. It is within the framework of this level of communication that a couple bonds and blends and become one.”[1]
- Finding the Key to Effective Communication. The very best key is to recognize that men and women think and react differently to the same situation. John Gray points out this truth in his best-selling book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Ed Young observes, “While I wouldn’t say that men and women are from different plants, I will acknowledge that the sexes seem at least to hail from foreign nations.
Just as problems can arise when people from different countries try to communicate, so can problems arise when men and women try to communicate – if they don’t put in the effort necessary to truly understand one another.
The word foreigner suggests someone who talks differently, perhaps thinks differently, and has a different culture background from my own. A man from Malaysia is different from me; yet that doesn’t make him all wrong, any more than it makes me all right. We’re simply different.”[2]
So we need to ask “How can I communicate with a foreigner?” That foreigner being, “My wife or my husband.” The Bible does not specifically tell us how to accomplish this feat. But the Bible does prescribe some generic principles which should help us. Let’s look at a major text which sheds light on the problem:
- 1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” I interpret this verse to mean, in down-to-earth terms, a husband should be a life long student of his wife in order to understand how she is wired and seek to meet her basic needs. Consult my web for a message on this very subject.
- Talk straight and listen in love to your spouse. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Suppose you and our wife are riding along the highway and she spots an exit and asks, “Would you like to stop and get something to drink?” You missed completely what she intended to communicate and so replied, “No, I’m fine. Let’s just keep going.” An hour later your wife expressed exactly what she hinted at earlier, “I sure would like to stop and get something to drink,” she said. That is what your wife meant all along, but you failed to understand her and replied with a straight-forward, “no” when she desired a plain “yes.”
I will admit that I have found it hard to listen. I think I am improving, but I have to remind myself all the time to listen to my wife. A couple needs to listen with the ears, watch with the eyes, and understand how your spouse acts and reacts.
- Pray with your spouse daily.
- Read and Internalize God’s Word together.
- Praise your wife in words and actions of love
- Praise her verbally- Example, I often say to Doris, “The wisest thing I ever did was when I asked you to marry me.” “Honey, I would like to say to you what Adam said to Eve in the garden, ‘As far as I am concerned, you are the only woman in the world.’”
- Praise her non-verbally: the way you look at her, your gestures, your smile.
- Write love letters
- Leave love notes. My wife is “Phi Beta Kappa” in this. I’m forever finding love notes in my luggage, etc.
Illus.: “What can happen when we begin to pour praise into the life of our marriage partner? Years ago I read of praise’s power in a newspaper column written by a marriage counselor, who I’ll call Dr. Crane.
Dr. Crane reported that an angry woman came in to see him one day. ‘My husband has so hurt me,’ she fumed. ‘I want not only to divorce him; I want revenge. I want to hurt him. I want to destroy him.’
Dr. Crane’s advise probably surprised the woman. ‘Go home and act as if you really love him. Praise him, honor him, build him up. Cook his favorite meals. Employ all the creative chemistry that you can find in your lovemaking arsenal. Tell him that you just can’t resist him, that everything about him is supercolossal and fabulous. Play it as if you’re madly, helplessly in love with him. Tell him that he is your hero and your champion, that he’s everything to you.’
He told the wife to give herself unreservedly to her husband. Once she did that-had truly captivated him with her attention and convinced him that she was crazy about him – ‘Then hit him with both barrels. Tell him, ‘I hate you! I have the meanest lawyer in town and we’re going to skin you alive. You won’t have a penny to your name when I’m through with you.’
‘Do that,’ Dr. Crane finished, ‘and he’ll spend the rest of his life in absolute misery, because he’ll never find anybody to match up with you.’
‘That’s it!’ the woman cried. ‘That’s what I’m going to do!’
So she went home and acted as if she really loved her husband. Dr. Crane didn’t hear from the woman for about three months. Finally he called her and asked, ‘Are you ready for the divorce?’
‘Divorce?’ she replied. ‘I’m married to the most wonderful man on the face of this earth! Why would I want a divorce?’
That is what can happen when we begin praising our mates in both words and actions. Severed lines on communication can be repaired and function once more. And even the most difficult marriage can become the loving, supportive institution God meant it to be.”[3]
- Love your spouse with God’s kind of love, Agape, (1 Cor. 15:4-7), that is, live to know and meet her or his needs, not yours. And remember that one of her or his needs is to experience meaningful communication with you on a daily and continuing basis.
Take a little test:
- On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being non-existent and 10 being so good, no improvement is possible), rate the communication in your marriage._________
- On a scale of 1 to 10, grade yourself on how you are living out the characteristics of love set forth in 1 Cor. 13:4-7: patient, kind, not jealous, not arrogant or boastful, behaving like a lady or gentlemen, holding no grudges, rejoicing in no wrongs but in truth, bearing all burdens, not cynical or distrusting, hoping in all situations, and enduring everything which comes along. ___________.
- How are you and your wife communicating your feelings and needs to one another?
- Describe the major hindrances to communicating in your marriage.
[1] Ed Young, The 10 Commandments of Marriage, Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2003, pp. 73-74
[2] Ibid. p. 74
[3] Ibid. pp. 80-81